Sunday Gratitude and Prayer Score Card

Today is the 19th anniversary of my father's death and, of course, Mother's Day. It's the second without my mother, although I don't recall much of last year at all.

So, remembering both my parents in prayer today.  I am grateful for:

1. The fountains in my yard. Here's the one I see the most often. It reminds me of the Middle East, even though it is set in the midst of Oregon greenery.

2. The restoration and on-going healing of a relationship. Only God knows the end of the story, but I am grateful for the healing that has taken place.

3. Skype, which allows me to "talk" with my son.

4. The white cupboards in my kitchen.

5. Fabreze...I have cats.  They have litter.  Connect the dots.

Prayer Score Card

I have 10 things on my list this month.  So far there have been 3 "Yes" and the rest are still waiting.
Interestingly, and this is something I want to explore in more detail, the more specific the prayer, the more specific the answer.  And the more immediate the prayer, the more immediate the answer.  Both yes and no.

Sunday Gratitude on Monday

Better late than never, right?

On this Monday/Sunday I am grateful for:

Cherry blossoms

Having the taxes done before April 15

Divine Mercy Sunday--and the hope of healing

Chocolate (See getting taxes done above)

Hope. The thing with feathers, as the great Emily says.

(I can't find the source for this picture, but to whomever created it, thanks.)

Sunday Gratitude, Prayer Score Card and Anxiety

When I struggle with anxiety and panic, I become a hermit crab.

I withdraw, retreat, and everything from this blog to friends to laundry is left behind. That's what has happened these past few days. I've gone into my shell, trying to keep the battering waves at bay.


I don't think that I've ever faced anything as difficult as coping with the anxiety that has been my near-constant companion for nearly two years, starting when my mother first went on hospice and through her death and the last year of grief.

Oddly enough, twice now, in the middle of a raging panic attack, I was told what a calm person I was. Outwardly, apparently, I do appear serene, but on the inside, my heart is racing, my chest is aching and every muscle fiber twitches with "fight or flight." And yet, by dint of will and practice, I must look as if I am very much in control of myself.  Perhaps that's why I retreat when the pain is too great. It's much easier to be calm when you are hidden under the bedclothes than when you are out in public.

As we enter into Holy Week, I went back to read what I had written last year about Jesus, the Garden of Gethsemane and panic attacks. And as we enter into Holy Week, once again I pray that perhaps with Easter will come healing and restoration and anxiety may become for me, just a memory of a time recorded on a blog. This is the week of miracles, after all.

With that, this Sunday I am grateful for:

1. Trader Joe's Dixie Peach juice that tastes like summer when summer seems far away
2. Daffodils...next to lilacs, my favorite flower
3. The ongoing and joyful restitution of a relationship
4. Bits of blue in an otherwise grey sky
5. Hope...even when I'm feeling like a hermit card

As for the prayer score card,
3Yes
12 No answer
and 1--not sure.  I had prayed for clear direction on a decision and I never got direction, but I had to make a decision.  So not sure if that is a yes, no, or no answer.

Sunday Gratitude and Prayer Scorecard

Before I get into the Sunday gratitude and all, I would like to invite any of my readers who aren't Catholic who have questions about the pope or what's been going on to ask your questions in the comment box.  If I don't have the answer, I'll do my best to find out.

With that....
I am grateful for:

 A day without anxiety.  I had one last week and it was nearly miraculous.
The hope of a new pope.
Sunshine. We had a couple of lovely days.
Daffodils
Ice tea...finally warm enough for a glass.

As for the prayer scorecard, it's been a very interesting month.
1 yes
13 unanswered and
1 (probably) no.

I guess it's a season of waiting.

Sunday Gratitude and Prayer Requests for a Failed Lent

 Prayer Requests

Since I seemed to have failed in my first Lenten attempts, I have decided that for the remainder of Lent, if you leave a prayer request in the comments, I will be sure to pray for you and your request when I go to Adoration.  (And in between, too!) Leave them anonymously if you want...I'll still pray.

This Sunday, the first of the month, I am grateful for:

1. Being witness to a truly historical moment--the first resignation of a pope in 600 years.

2. Trader Joe's Organic Gingermints

 

3. Work for next week...when you freelance, it's always great to have work

4. Fast wifi.  I sometimes wonder what we did without the Internet and without wifi.

5. A balanced checkbook. I consider it quite wonderful when the bank and I agree. 

Sunday Gratitude/Prayer Scorecard

Sometimes you have to force yourself to be grateful for something.  As in number one today.

I am grateful:
1. That I made enough money to pay some taxes this year.  And I'm trying not to grumble at how little the IRS thinks I should be able to survive on after they take their share.

2. Chocolate muffins.  Okay, so they are really just chocolate wolf cake in muffin lamb disguise, but I feel better eating a muffin than a piece of cake for breakfast.

3. A good friend who gets me off the ledge when I am in panic mode.

4. A house to clean and boy does it need cleaning.

5. Someone to love and someone who loves me.

Prayerscore Card
I have 16 things listed.
So far, it's
4 Yes
0 No
11 Not Yet
and one that I thought was a clear-cut yes or no that might turn out to be a yes/no in that it might be partially answered. Not quite sure how to categorize that one yet.

Sunday Gratitude and Prayer Scorecard

This Sunday in February, I am grateful for:

 1. Someone to watch the cats aka the Royal Pair when I have to take a short trip later in the month. As you can see, they are a bit of a, um, challenge.

2. For a bouquet of flowers that I allowed myself to splurge on at the market.
3. For extra-soft kleenix during an allergy attack
4. A night's sleep without griefwalking dreams
5. The prayers of a healing friend.

As for the Prayer Scorecard:

Like January itself, it was a month of silence. I think the fields of my prayers were lying fallow. I am hoping that, just as I am beginning to see hints of buds on the trees and the promise that spring is coming, that some of my prayers, which have been on the list for a year, will begin to find blossoming answers.

But for now, it's:
3 Yes, including a good medical report, an easy repair to a complex problem, and a simple solution to a medication change.
11 Not Yet, including the return of stolen property, financial concerns, and a broken printer that is supposed to have been fixed but is still awaiting the right part.
0 No

Sunday Gratitude

It's been a long week, with remembrances and memories.  So I am grateful that a new week begins.  But for the official count...

I am grateful

1.  That the year of purposeful griefwalking has come to an end. For with an ending comes a beginning.

Yesterday I went back to the place where mother lived and died. It had been completely remodeled and nothing was the same.  The door to the room she lived in was open and I peeked it. There was a hospital bed and an elderly woman in it, but it, too, had been remodeled so it didn't look the same.  I was able to walk through the living area, dining area etc. and see that it was all different.  Time had moved on and her death there was no longer even a memory.

Then I stopped by the church and randomly opened a bible that was in the pew.  This was the passage that appeared.  It seemed rather fortuitous.

The souls of the righteous are in the hand of God,

and no torment shall touch them.

They seemed, in the view of the foolish, to be dead;

and their passing away was thought an affliction

and their going forth from us, utter destruction.

But they are in peace.

 

2. A brightly burning candle. I don't know why I don't light candles more often.  I have many but I seem to be saving them for some unknown reason.  But not tonight.

 

3.  A gift of home-made liqueur from a friend.

4. For Fabreze.  Don't ask.  Just think kitty litter box.

5. For a wonderful friend who walked alongside me on the actual anniversary of mother's death. She may never know how much she is loved.

Sunday Prayer Scorecard and Gratitude

What I'm grateful for this Sunday:

1. St. Jude's intercession in my life. See HERE.
2. Friends who don't abandon me even when I am not the best of company.
3. A pellet stove.
4. Chocolate, a perennial grateful.
5. SKYPE so I can "see" my son now and then despite the distance between us.

As for the Prayer Scorecard:
So far this month it is:
3 Yes
13 Not answered or continued

Many of the not answered have been on the list for a L-O-N-G time, like nearly a year. I know many of them eventually have to have an answer--they aren't the kind of prayer that can just fade into an answer like asking to be more patient and one day realizing you haven't lost your temper for several weeks. Certain of these prayers have to eventually have a yes or a no.  For instance, I was robbed of a great deal of money (the trial is still pending, so I can't reveal details) and either I'm going to get the money back or I'm not. Either the thief will be found guilty and sent to prison or he won't.  At some point there has to be a clear answer, but for now, the prayer just continues to be not answered. And so I keep praying.

But then there are the others on the continue to pray list. The problem with them is that it's sometimes hard to decide if the answer is no or if it is still not answered.  Another for instance: since mother's death I've had panic attacks on a regular basis. I have prayed (and done the things my doctor and counselor have suggested) and yet the panic continues.  So after a year is the answer to the prayer that panic be removed "no!" (like the thorn in Paul's flesh) or is it "not yet, keep praying"?  It's hard to decide if, like the woman in the parable who kept pestering the judge, I am to keep on praying or if I am to accept the answer as a "no." I'd hate to give up when the yes may be just on the verge and yet I don't want to be blind to a "no"either.

What I've decided is that if, after a calendar year, there is no movement in any direction, then I will consider that the answer isn't "not yet," but "no."  Until this, I'll keep praying.


Maybe I need to call in St. Jude on some of these!

Sunday Gratitude and Answered Prayer

This Sunday I am grateful for:

1. A wonderful hairdresser friend who makes me feel beautiful.
2. A pellet stove when it's frakkin' cold outside (like 28).
3. Root beer. I really like root beer, even if it's not good for me.
4. Post-it label rolls, one of the best inventions ever.
5. A flicker of hope for the future, which has been hard to come by this past year.

As for January prayers:
So far it's been 2 Yes and 13 Not Yet.
Some of the Not Yet have been on the list for nearly a year.  I keep thinking of Jesus' parable of the widow and the judge and hope that persistence in prayer really will pay off.

Sunday Gratitude

It's been a month since I blogged here.  I'd like to say it was a blog-ation by some other clever term, but it simply was an absence created by my response to stress and distress. Unlike other writers who become prolific and expansive with their words when under pressure, I go sort of numb and blank.  I withdraw, retreat, internalize. I draw a curtain about me as I try to process what's going on and work out my response.

So, for Sunday's gratitude:
1. That I do not have breast cancer.  After many tests and multiple screenings and examination of the tissue by three pathologists, I do not have cancer.  For this I am more than grateful (and it is the main reason for my extended blogging absence.)
2. That a relationship that was once seen as beyond repair is being healed in a miraculous fashion.
3. That I have meaningful work to do this week that will actually bring in some money!
4. For good friends who love me even when I go silent on them.
5. For Island Coconut Coffee for my Keurig.

May this week be one of many thanks and hopefully the restart of my blogging.

Sunday Gratitude--Late

Sometimes, I just go clonk.  As in, I don't seem to be able to focus or accomplish much of anything.
That's what happened on Sunday.  I met a friend who was in town for a brief visit; we attended Divine Liturgy at the Nativity of the Mother of God Ukrainian Catholic church and then I just sort of went clonk.

So here's the Sunday gratitude a few days late:

1.  Sunshine.  I don't care if it's getting dry in Oregon.  We drown 10 months of the year.  Sunshine keep on shining.
2.  Energy to walk.  I have had times in my life when I haven't been horribly fatigued, so being able to walk between 3/4 and 1.5 miles for the past few days is a blessing.  Even though I'm not crazy about walking.
3. Lavender.  On said walk there are a few lavender bushes with blooms.  I pull them through my fingers and relish the scent.
4.  For continued restoration of a relationship that I thought was beyond healing.
5.  Fresh beans, tomatoes, and cucumber from the little garden a friend put in for me.

Sunday Gratitude 100 things

Today marks my 200th blog post and so I've decided to list 100 things that I'm grateful for, since it is also Sunday and Sunday is Gratitude Day. These are in no particular order, certainly not ranked according to some "grateful" scale.  They just are as I have thought of them. (I'd have listed 200 since there probably are 200 things I could be grateful for, but 100 was all I could come up with right now!)

1. Sunshine
2. A home
3. Nefer and Basti, most of the time
4. Healing in a relationship
5. Cell phone with unlimited callling
6. My son
7. His lovely girlfriend
8. Healing from grief
9. Chocolate
10. Daffodils
11. Squirrels that amuse me and torment the cats
12. Coffee with cream
13. The ability to write and edit
14. Friends, both real and virtual
15. Having seen places in the world on my bucket list
16. Indoor plumbing
17. Clean water
18. Bacon
19. Modern medicine
20. Naturopathic medicine
21. Hydrangeas
22. Adoration chapel
23. My kindle
24. "Real" books
25. An apple tree in the yard
26. An African violet that blooms despite neglect
27. A counselor who has helped during the griefwalking
28. Movies, especially those at the $4 theater
29. Old English lavender soap
30. 20% off coupons for Bed, Bath and Beyond
31. Answered prayer
32. A comfortable mattress
33. Stars
34. Warm baths
35. Sweet tea
36. The occasional McDonald's hamburger
37. Ice cream
38. Cobalt blue
39. Lime green
40.  Butterflies
41. Daisies
42.  Sandy beaches
43. Rockey beaches
44. Lifetime friends
45. Hope 
46. Classic books
47. Overhead fan
48. Pellet stove in winter
49. Watermelon
50. Ocean waves
51. The Psalms
52. Internet access
53. Ice cubes
54. Blue skies
55. Snow
56. Fluffy white clouds
57. Cherry blossoms
58. Bright red nail polish
59. Sharp kitchen knives
60. My mother's peaceful death
61. Water fountains
62. Sleep
63. Clean sheets
64. Digital photos that can be shared instantly
65. Old-fashioned photos that remember the past
66. Good memories
67. Learning to be grateful even in the hard times
68. Naps
69. Candles, especially scented candles
70. A fireplace
71. Modern appliances like a microwave
72. A car
73. Grass (I like grass)
74. Bird songs outside my window in summer
75. Full moon
76. Change of seasons
77. Contact lens
78. The right to vote
79. Swimming pools
80. Lace
81. All the pets I've had and loved over the years
82. Cheese
83. The kindness of strangers
84. God's protection when I haven't even known it
85. The ability to love
86. Peace after fear
87. Natural beauty
88. Good conversation
89. Surprises in the mail
90. New beginnings
91. Lavender in all its forms
92. Real fountain pen
93. Black ink
94. WiFi
95. Scarves
96. Leather boots
97. Beet salad
98. Kisses
99. Being forgiven
100. Life itself

Sunday Gratitude

It's not that I haven't been grateful the past few weeks.  It's just I haven't been very faithful about listing my gratefuls.

So...

1.  A new kind of kitty litter that works really really well!!  If you are a cat person, you'll appreciate this.

2.  Amazing, almost miraculous progress made in healing a relationship that I thought would never be healed this side of eternity.

3.  For a new pair of rubber boots.  My old ones had black mold inside and while I could have used bleach and probably cleaned them up, it grossed me out and these are nice and new and pretty.

4.  A wonderful smelling votive candle.

5.  The amusement I get watching the squirrel watch the cats watch the squirrel.

Sunday Gratitude and Answers to Prayer

On an overcast Sunday, I am grateful for:

1. The fact that I am (sort of) caught up with deadlines. I think I see light.
2.  I find watching the squirrel annoy the cats to be highly entertaining.
3.  I got a new Netflix film this week, after finally deciding I wasn't going to watch the one I had.
4.  We had a huge rain storm, which gave the plants a dosing, but it didn't herald a week of rain like it often does.
5. A friend of mine who went in for numerous lumps in her breast learned they were all benign.

And the prayer report thus far for July:
Yes--6 with 2 of them that aren't cut and dried.  But they seem mostly yes.
No--5
No answer--9

And so it goes.

Sunday Gratitude on Monday and Answers to Prayer

I have been neglectful of the blog this past week. I could offer reasons, but they are merely excuses.

So here's Sunday's Gratitude on Monday:
1.  Blueberries.  A friend let me pick a gallon-sack-full of her luscious berries. Big and blue!
2.  Sunshine.  Here in Oregon, it's always important to acknowledge the sun.
3. I've been dealing with some health issues and I think some positive progress is being made.
4. I had a skin "spot" removed and it was taken care of before it developed into something.

5. I put out a bird feeder and while the squirrel spotted it, he didn't figure out how to get to it. He will eventually I'm sure, but for n11ow it's Me 1, Squirrel 0.

And now an update on the Prayers.  I have 19 things on my list right now. (Okay, so I'm needy.  And your point?)

At the moment, the "answer" count stands at:
2 maybe 3 Yesish.  
7 No
11 No answer.

Yes, I realize that doesn't add up to 19.  That's because a couple of the yes answers could be either a "yes" or "no" depending.

For instance, the skin spot.  I had prayed that it would be "nothing."  It was a "something," but it was found early and removed. So it that a yes or no answer?

Another one had to do with some direction in life. I wasn't really clear in my prayer...asking merely to know what to do.  I had a definite preference, however.  If I had prayed for that, the answer would be "no."  But since a door was slammed shut and bolted with about 50 padlocks, I did know what I had to do.  Not what I wanted, but I no longer had a choice.  So is that a yes or a no?

The final yes was a deadend in a road.  So I got a sort of a yes to the prayer, but it also was another stop sign. So is that a yes or a no.

You see my problem with the yeses right now.

As for the no's, they were generally very clear. No. Nada. Not at all. Not happening.

And the remainder go on as they have been since I started this project. Prayers for a future, for resolution, for restoration, for healing, for wisdom...and a couple of right now things that will either be a yes or no.

And with that....

Sunday Gratitude

Sundays, as I've said before, are hard days.  I used to spend at least part of each Sunday with my mother (in addition to many other days, but always Sundays). About this time of day, late afternoon, I would be with her, bringing her her favorite ice cream or, when she was able, taking her out to get a dish of plain vanilla.  And so when the slant of light takes a certain turn, I feel a twist in my soul and a wave of what is no longer acute sorrow, but a gripping of my chest and a clenching of my heart, sweeps over me.

It's a gorgeous day here, finally.  With a bright blue sky and a slight breeze. I'm working on an article about a favorite saint--Hildegard of Bingen--and I've talked to friends. Despite some frustrations that loom for next week, things are okay for now.

And yet...and still...all of a sudden, the wave rises and I feel that melange of loss, anxiety, and emptiness that is so much a part of my griefwalking. It is as if the sun suddenly dims and I wonder, will this ever end? Will I ever feel "normal" again? And what is "normal" now anyway?

It is precisely because Sundays are hard days that I chose them to post my gratitudes. By making myself see what is good and blessed, to seek out five things that remind me God has not forgotten me, I get through the hardest part of the hardest day of the week.

So this week I am grateful for:

1. Giving away some things I didn't use to someone who will use and appreciate them.

2. Sunshine and warm enough weather to wear a sleeveless top. (Everyone who has been sweltering in the heat, trust me, it's been frigid here in Oregon and this is something to be grateful for.)

3. Work.  When a free-lancer has work, it's always cause for gratitude.

4. Conversation with a good friend who reminded me that some of the decisions I made in the past and now sorely regret, I made with honest intent and with all the information I had available at the time.

5. A weed in a pot that has such lovely flowers I'm pretending that it is a flower and letting it stay.

Finally, one more thing to be grateful for.  Now and then I get those forwarded e-mails that tell you to send to 10 people because God has a blessing blah blah.  I got one today and, for whatever reason, the idea that God might just have a blessing waiting for me was a message that I needed to hear. God does sometimes speak in mysterious ways and I'll just take that e-mail as a message.

Sunday Gratitude, Prayers and There's Got to be More

I realized today that all I've done for the past three weeks, and I mean that almost literally is get up, shower, work, realize I'm starving, eat, work, go to bed, toss and turn about the work and/or lack of work, get up and repeat. I've been to the grocery twice, saw a friend for an hour once and made a few phone calls. Beyond that, it has been get up, shower, work, realize I'm starving, eat, work, go to bed, toss and turn about the work and/or lack of work, get up and repeat. 

 

This can't go on or I won't go on much longer.  I know I have to make ends wave at each other across the abyss, but something has got to change.  Not sure what, but that's my prayer this week.

June Prayer Report

Speaking of which, the final June prayer report is:

Yes 6

No 8

Not answered 10

The yeses had to do with fine points of restoring and healing the badly damaged relationship I talked about in the past, having more energy to get some of the house and yard work done, and finding a person to repair the gutters at a semi-reasonablfe rate.

The noes had to do with some personal issues, thorns in the flesh, that apparently are not to be removed.  I am persistent, however, and even if the prayers were "NO" in June, I'm moving them on to July.  I don't think God's mind will be changed, but perhaps something else will change that will allow the thorn to be pulled out.  By the way, did you know that the word for thorn also means "tent post" as in a big, honking thing sticking in your side?  I think my "thorns" are more tent-posty.

The Not Answered are things that I realize are longer term, but they eventually will have to be a "yes" or a "no" so I keep on prayer.

Sunday Gratitude

 

Finally, Sunday Gratitude.  It' been a long, hard week with waves of grief and its companions anxiety and insomnia, but I am grateful for:

1. For an unexpected phone call from my son during the week.

2. For having won a first place writing award when I didn't even know I had been nominated. (On faces of homelessness.)

3. For a great write up on Catholic Moms.

4.  For little tiny flashes of grace and hope that come when I meet a friend in the grocery (on one of my two trips these past weeks!), when I get a text right when I need it most, for a word of comfort.

5. For my cell phone.  I really like my cell phone.  I can give up a lot of things, but I would hang onto my cell for as long as possible.  Literally!!!

Sunday Gratitude

1. There was a strange yellow orb in the sky.  I think it is called "sun," but I'm not sure.

2.  I haven't been sleeping much since Mother's death or not sleeping well, but I slept slept for the last two nights.

3.  I got a lovely note from a friend that was encouraging when I needed it most.

4. My son.  Nothing more needs to be said.

5. The lavender is blooming.  I love my lavender.

And with that, may your Sunday be blessed.