Griefwalking the Unexpected

This month, which contains my birthday, my grandfather's birthday, my cousin's birthday, the birthday of my childhood friend's first child (on my birthday), and several significant personal anniversaries is always a bit hard.

But this year, add in a visit from my son for the first time since my mother's death and meeting a once very significant person in my life from whom I've been estranged for nearly 15 years and I've been sort of flattened by it all.  No blogging.  No writing.  Not much of anything.

I've learned these past months that grief and the subsequent changes just have to be lived. You can't plan your reaction and you can't plan your feelings.  You just have to see what comes and adapt to it along the way. Especially when it's a month that is already filled with major emotional events.

I've been adapting with chocolate and staring blankly at walls.

But now summer is drawing to a close and fall always feels like a new beginning. May it be so.

Sunday Gratitude

1. Corn on the cob.  Not genetically altered.

2. Coffee with cream, preferably iced.

3. The beginning of healing of old wounds and old estrangments.

4. Answers to prayer.

5. Apple right off the tree.

Answers to Prayer

With August nearly over, I've been slack on recording answers to prayer, but so far this month, I have 18 prayers listed in my journal.  I've probably prayed a lot more but didn't record them.  For reasons, see above.

Not answered yet--10

No--3

Yes--4

Sort of yes--2

The sort of yes deserve an explanation. One involves a health issue that seems to be improving, but it isn't fully clear what the result will be.  The other one is number three in gratitude: healing seems to be happening, but it's a long way from being a full "yes" to the prayer.  So they are "sort of yes."  Certainly not "no" in any event.

If this is Sunday, it must be gratitude day

I was thinking this morning that the past year and a half has been the most difficult of my life. I have gone through hard times before, but none have been as challenging on so many levels as these months have been.  It has been a dark night of not just the soul, but the mind, body, emotions, finances, physical surroundings, and life in general.  It has felt like all the joy has been been sucked from the world...and yet, I continued to see happy people all around me, so I knew that it was only my world, not the whole world.

I mention this on Gratitude Sunday because a friend of mine told me yesterday that she is seeing signs that I am slowly coming out of the deep grief, that I am getting better and more like myself.  I don't see it yet, but I believe her.

I trust that this will not last forever, because nothing does, and that another chapter of my life will open, one that I might not even imagine possible (because I certainly didn't imagine these past 18 months and their pain could have been possible!)  I am just hoping that the next chapter contains a little more joy and few less tears.

So with that, this Sunday I am grateful for:

1.  The color purple--not the book or movie, but as in wisteria and lilacs.
2.  Hot water for a long bath, after a good cry.
3.  Silence, when there isn't any sound but maybe the click of my keyboard keys.
4.  Cell phones, which let me call someone no matter where I am (or where they are.)
5.  One more week of griefwalking done and one more Sunday (the hardest day of the week for me) coming to a close.

Prayer Update: 
Nothing to report.  Nine prayers on list still waiting for some sort of answer.  Four "yes" if you include the bad surprises, two "maybe," and one "no." (Unfortunately the "no" was a biggie.)