No Rest for the Wicked...or the Weary

If I were a housing loan, I'd be underwater at the moment.  I have too much to do and not enough hours in the day and night to do it all.

Now some is work, as in stuff that will bring in money to pay the bills, but other parts of it are leftovers from mother's death as well as just an accumulation of things that I had been waiting on...and which all came about RIGHT NOW.  Some I have been waiting on for more than a year and all of a sudden, they have to be done RIGHT NOW!!!

Now I know all about prioritizing and making lists with the most important things first etc. etc. (Cue the King from the King and I about now.."Etcetera, Etcetera.) But everything and everyone on the list firmly believes that his or her project/demand/need is the number one and I need to do it RIGHT NOW.

I have been, literally, working for 12 to 14 hours straight and the moment I get one thing crossed off, the next one surges to the top like a maniacal rabid rat.

Which brings me to the point of this entry.  When I do get something crossed off the list, instead of being able to take the time to celebrate the accomplishment, I feel the need to move immediately to the next thing on the list. 

No time to rest.
No time to waste.

I wonder if any of you feel the same way?  That the only function of the "to do" list is to show what you have to do RIGHT NOW!

Can you tell I'm getting tired?  I keep hoping that maybe, through some miracle, I might actually get caught up and can...rest?

Sunday Gratitude, Prayers and There's Got to be More

I realized today that all I've done for the past three weeks, and I mean that almost literally is get up, shower, work, realize I'm starving, eat, work, go to bed, toss and turn about the work and/or lack of work, get up and repeat. I've been to the grocery twice, saw a friend for an hour once and made a few phone calls. Beyond that, it has been get up, shower, work, realize I'm starving, eat, work, go to bed, toss and turn about the work and/or lack of work, get up and repeat. 

 

This can't go on or I won't go on much longer.  I know I have to make ends wave at each other across the abyss, but something has got to change.  Not sure what, but that's my prayer this week.

June Prayer Report

Speaking of which, the final June prayer report is:

Yes 6

No 8

Not answered 10

The yeses had to do with fine points of restoring and healing the badly damaged relationship I talked about in the past, having more energy to get some of the house and yard work done, and finding a person to repair the gutters at a semi-reasonablfe rate.

The noes had to do with some personal issues, thorns in the flesh, that apparently are not to be removed.  I am persistent, however, and even if the prayers were "NO" in June, I'm moving them on to July.  I don't think God's mind will be changed, but perhaps something else will change that will allow the thorn to be pulled out.  By the way, did you know that the word for thorn also means "tent post" as in a big, honking thing sticking in your side?  I think my "thorns" are more tent-posty.

The Not Answered are things that I realize are longer term, but they eventually will have to be a "yes" or a "no" so I keep on prayer.

Sunday Gratitude

 

Finally, Sunday Gratitude.  It' been a long, hard week with waves of grief and its companions anxiety and insomnia, but I am grateful for:

1. For an unexpected phone call from my son during the week.

2. For having won a first place writing award when I didn't even know I had been nominated. (On faces of homelessness.)

3. For a great write up on Catholic Moms.

4.  For little tiny flashes of grace and hope that come when I meet a friend in the grocery (on one of my two trips these past weeks!), when I get a text right when I need it most, for a word of comfort.

5. For my cell phone.  I really like my cell phone.  I can give up a lot of things, but I would hang onto my cell for as long as possible.  Literally!!!

Forgotten How to Play

I got up this morning and after a few phone calls, dove into work.  As I sat at my computer, thinking not of work, but of all the changes that have happened in the past few months, I realized that I have forgotten how to play.

I've been responsible for so long, for so many things...all of which are are/were important like my mother's care, making a living, dealing with finances, trying to maintain some modicum of my own health, I have simply forgotten what it feels like to be without the weight of responsibility on my shoulders.

In short, I've forgotten how to play.

Now, of course, the question is what to do about it. But the first step is identifying the problem.

 I've forgotten how to play.

Now I have stalling, procrastination, avoidance, and resistance honed to a fine art.  But play, as in carefree, just having fun, not thinking about costs and consequences of lost time that should be spent cleaning the bathrooms or the gutters...not so much.

I don't think my mother knew how to play, at least not that I can recall.  She created--beautiful works of art--and perhaps that was play for her, but when she was in her painting  years, I wasn't with her, so I don't know if she considered it play, work, therapy or what.

I've been trying to recall the last time I just plain played.  And I can't remember, it's been so long.  Maybe eight or nine years ago, I went horseback riding and I recall that as play.  I also recall about ten years ago going to an Amish bakery with a friend.  And two or maybe three years ago, I visited the sites of LOST in Hawaii with a friend and while there was play involved, the dark cloud of responsibility for my mother, concern about finances and other things rested like a mantle on my shoulders even in the bright Hawaiian sunshine.

What's even sadder than realizing I haven't truly played in years is realizing that I don't even know where to begin to begin.  Maybe just saying it out loud is the beginning.