Monday, June 25, 2012

My friends all drive Porches, I must make amends

I've been feeling rather envious and jealous lately.  Envious of what I see as much better and happier lives that everyone, everyone I say, has but me.  

It seems I'm not alone.  Joanne K. McPortland and the Crescat both express similar thoughts on their blogs today.

 I particularly appreciate Joanne's take:
I’m not coveting wordly goods, at least not more than usually. I can whip together a pretty good self-pity party on occasion, especially when friends are talking about their new vacation homes and their retirement adventures, but most of the time I have the ability to count my innumerable blessings. No, I will never be able to retire, or buy a new home (first or second), or help my kids and spoil my grandson the way every parent and grandparent longs to, but there’s nothing to blame for that but my own choices and their consequences. And all told, I am enviable in the gifts that God and life and people I love have showered on me.
Yep, I know the feeling of smiling through the talk of the new vacation home and month in France and the 10K monthly retirement income that is 100% secure and not being able to spoil the kids or retire or or or....And I know, like Joanna, that it's the result of the choices I've made and their consequences.

Damn choices.  Damn consequences.  Damn feeling jealous.

The one thing that neither Joanna nor the Crecat talked about, however, is the feeling of panic that goes along with my envy.  The sense that things might get worse than they are right now and right now they aren't really all that wonderful. It's a sense that perhaps God is going to let me down; that God won't answer my prayers; that not only won't I ever get the vacation cruise and retirement income and spoiled family, but that I might not even get tomorrow's dinner.

Like Joanne, I know that the best and perhaps only way out of the envy trap is to count blessings, but some days, like today, I just don't feel like counting blessings.  I don't even feel like looking for blessings.  I just want what I want and I want it now.

I could try to put some sanctimonious spin on this, but I think I'll just leave it by saying that for whatever reason it made me feel better that I'm not the only one suffering from a bout of jealousy or envy today.

I guess misery really does love company.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Sunday Gratitude

1. There was a strange yellow orb in the sky.  I think it is called "sun," but I'm not sure.

2.  I haven't been sleeping much since Mother's death or not sleeping well, but I slept slept for the last two nights.

3.  I got a lovely note from a friend that was encouraging when I needed it most.

4. My son.  Nothing more needs to be said.

5. The lavender is blooming.  I love my lavender.

And with that, may your Sunday be blessed.