I've been responsible for so long, for so many things...all of which are are/were important like my mother's care, making a living, dealing with finances, trying to maintain some modicum of my own health, I have simply forgotten what it feels like to be without the weight of responsibility on my shoulders.
In short, I've forgotten how to play.
Now, of course, the question is what to do about it. But the first step is identifying the problem.
I've forgotten how to play.
Now I have stalling, procrastination, avoidance, and resistance honed to a fine art. But play, as in carefree, just having fun, not thinking about costs and consequences of lost time that should be spent cleaning the bathrooms or the gutters...not so much.
I don't think my mother knew how to play, at least not that I can recall. She created--beautiful works of art--and perhaps that was play for her, but when she was in her painting years, I wasn't with her, so I don't know if she considered it play, work, therapy or what.
I've been trying to recall the last time I just plain played. And I can't remember, it's been so long. Maybe eight or nine years ago, I went horseback riding and I recall that as play. I also recall about ten years ago going to an Amish bakery with a friend. And two or maybe three years ago, I visited the sites of LOST in Hawaii with a friend and while there was play involved, the dark cloud of responsibility for my mother, concern about finances and other things rested like a mantle on my shoulders even in the bright Hawaiian sunshine.
What's even sadder than realizing I haven't truly played in years is realizing that I don't even know where to begin to begin. Maybe just saying it out loud is the beginning.