Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Closed Doors, Wrestling with God, and Chocolate

This has not been a good week, and it's only Tuesday.  Because it's been such a crappy week, I'm mainlining chocolate. Since the only chocolate I have in the house are chocolate chips, I'm eating those little droplets like they are, well, candy.

The less than grand time began yesterday afternoon as I was picking up a rotisserie chicken for dinner. Coming out of the store was the one person I had hoped never to see again. He had betrayed my mother and because of his actions, forced me into legal action that continues to drag on and on and on. I felt my stomach roil and was nauseated the rest of the night.

Then, this morning, a door that I had so hoped would be open slammed shut so hard I think I have a bloody nose. The nausea that had abated came rushing back, this time accompanied by bitter, disappointed tears.

Although I know better, I find myself asking God, "Why? Why did these things happen? Why isn't justice being served with regards to my mother's betrayal? Why did this oh-so-promising door not just close, but lock? Why, when I ask for a good surprise, do I get something painful?" Of course, I don't get an answer.  God never answers "why" questions because the only possible answer is "because" and that's no more satisfying when you are my age than when you are two.

I wish that I could write that despite it all, I rejoiced mightily in God's love and grace, but I didn't and I'm not.

I'm wrestling with God about all these things...and eating chocolate chips.


  1. I so get all of these feelings toward God, even if I haven't experienced all the particular things you are experiencing. I will be praying for you, with you from my own spiritual darkness.

  2. Thank you, Mary. Sometimes the darkness feels very dark, doesn't it? All the promises appear to be black smoke, not white. :)


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