Yesterday I reflected on the idea that healing was a bit like watching a flower bloom.
Today I'm thinking it's a roller-coaster.
One day, you are going up an incline, feeling like you are really making progress and thinking that perhaps in the morning, you will feel better than you have felt for weeks or months or even years.
Then the morning comes and you realize that you are plummeting down the backside, racing at heart-pounding speed through all the old familiar, unpleasant sensations.
At least that's how it's felt for me and the anxiety and fear that have accompanied me the past year or so.
It's really rather discouraging. Especially when I've been doing all the "right" things and then, without warning, the familiar sensations of racing heart, dry mouth, and ragged breath surface, adrenalin takes over and it's takes all my concentration to hold still.
I've read what seems like a hundred books and articles about quelling anxiety and while they all offer good advice, there is no sure cure. It is, as I'm coming to realize, a process involving trust and faith. Trust that it can end and faith that it will.
With Lent coming, I've been reading about the value of "offering it up," but this year, I'd rather not offer it up, meaning hang on and suffer with it, but offer it up as in give it away completely and let the Divine Physician renew and restore me from the soul out.