This is the third post I've tried to write today. The other two just went so far and then slumped like a punctured popover.
I tried to write about how much I've journaled since Mother died, but it just sounded silly.
I tried to write about how much fear I've experienced these last two months, but it sounds rather whiny and self-indulgent.
So this time I'm just going to say that while I still want a bona fide miracle like I wrote about yesterday, I'm more resigned to the idea that, for whatever reason, a bona fide miracle isn't going to happen...at least not anytime soon.
There still are two major areas in my life where I can do absolutely nothing to affect the outcome. All I can do is wait on someone else's free will. And that just plain sucks. Not only the waiting, but the fact that the other people involved have free will. They can do whatever they want and I have no choice but to accept their decisions. Did I mention how much that sucks?
In both cases, I do believe that what I want is in God's will. Both involve restoration, a giving back of what the locust has eaten. In both cases, I've done my best to say, "Your will, not mine," to God and mean it. But I could be deluding myself that they are what God wants for me. I've deluded myself before and I probably will again.
But I continue to pray that if these really are God's will that he will enter in and create the miracle that seems the only way out.
But nonetheless, having the decision lie in someone else's hands and having to wait and see what they decide sucks.
Yes, it really does.