I was in my 20s when I first encountered suicide. A co-worker took his own life and the entire office was shocked and stunned.
In his later life, my father used to talk about suicide,
although, to the best of my knowledge, he never attempted it. I
was horrified whenever he brought it up.
But now I understand.
I sometimes stop for a moment and listen to her, but then I have
to explain that first of all, I cannot take the easy way out for
me because it would be the difficult way for my son. I remember
all too well the horror I felt when my father would talk about the
ways he could die. The legacy of a parent's death at her own hand
would be the ultimate unfair inheritance.
Then I go on to explain that I'm a wuss and anything involving
blood, pain or that horrible moment "twix saddle and ground" are
just too scary to consider. What if, in the last second, I
changed my mind?
Finally, there is the karma thing. While I don't know that
suicide would condemn a person to hell, I do believe that there
has to be some repercussions to an action that would cause so much
pain, confusion and anger in those like my son who would be left
behind. It would truly suck to take one's life only to find out
that you've committed yourself to a whole other level of pain and
suffering in the next life.
It would be horrible to take an action you think is going to relieve suffering only to find out, as one of my friends said to me, "That siren is Satan with a fishtail, and the next life will have pain, daily
migraines, huge, huge mounds of paperwork, income tax to file every day,
not just once a year, plumbing problems you won't believe, sick cats
including some that aren't yours, a couple mothers to
shepherd besides your own and they're even bitchier. And that's just for
So when the siren makes an appearance, I tell her, "No, I understand your offer, oh do I understand your offer, but I can't take you up on it."
She shrugs, flips her tail and dives back into the depths. And so I brew a cup of tea and say a prayer that tomorrow will bring some answers and some relief.
If not, I always make sure there are plenty of teabags in the pantry.